I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do herpes really smell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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