So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
