I murdered the dance floor call the cops
...so i touched it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
