there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm like, not good at living.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
