if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
