the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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