You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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