Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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