he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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