well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
