I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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