I cannot find my penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
