I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
