ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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