She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
