Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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