he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
