i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
