good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
