i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The Olympian is in my bed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
