wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
