apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
