We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
