So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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