her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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