Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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