The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize