If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
