how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
