Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
