I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
