I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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