Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
