You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
