Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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