Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
