i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
