remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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