YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
