I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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