Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
