oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
