Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
