I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
