im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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