He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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