he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
