both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
