Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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