I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
