when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
