Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
