he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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