i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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