I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
