Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize