Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
